Once more into the gray.

Lately I've started to question my apparent need to cleanse my life of "people". It is weird, it is random, and it is starting to make me feel like I could have a problem.

Here's how it works. I comment, e-mail, or otherwise contact them and they ignore me. Several things could be happening. Either they are busy, they don't get the message right away, or they don't feel like responding....whichever the case may be, I get annoyed. I start feeling like why do I even bother keeping in contact with them? Clearly I am either a nuisance or I am just not that important to them; and so I delete them: from my phone, from social networking, and from my life. And then it happens: I feel bad. Obviously I want them in my life, or they would have never been there to begin with. But I am so deranged that if I'm not important enough to warrant a simple reply then piss on them. But I don't really feel that way. I want them there, I just want THEM to also want me there.
And then there is me: perfect in every way. I always respond to people, try to include them, make them feel like they are important in MY life.....or do I? Chances are I do the same exact thing for various reasons to the ones I love. Why is it that I cannot seem to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve? I am sad, because over the past year or so I have weeded out people. Sure, some of them were toxic and needed to go, but some of them were people I care about. I wish I weren't so black and white. Sometimes gray is good too.
Note to self: learn to have PATIENCE with people. Then one day when I need them to show me the same considerations, they will.
~M
P.S. all I can hear in my head right now is that song....goes something like: I want you to want me. I need you to need me. ....although not in that exact way.... LOL