Confessions of a Chocoholic.

Admit it, you've done it too. That moment when you should've quit while you were ahead, and yet that last morsel of delicious delectable spoke to you. "Eat me." And you obliged. For some people it is the "I must clean my plate" routine, for others--food is just too good to pass up. No matter who you are, at some point, you've had that feeling like you've just been stuffed to your gullet.

I'm a stress eater. I eat when I'm stressed and then get stressed over eating about stress. See what just happened there?! I'm convinced that I'm missing a chromosome or a genetic switch. It will happen out of the blue, and I'll think to myself, "Self, please stop". Stupid Self, she never listens to me!

Then comes the inevitable food coma, the leveling of the blood sugar that feels like you just took a hit...the light bulb goes off, I'm just a freaking junkie: chocolate is my addiction.

Why don't they have a 12-step program for junk food junkies?  I can see it now:

Hi, my name is Magdalene, and chocolate is my drug of choice.  "Hi Magdalene."
It's been 3 days since my last chocolate and I'm starting to get the urge to use chocolate again.  I'm finding myself wandering around the drug stores and Super Wal-marts...up and down the candy aisle.  I keep trying to stay away from the old stomping grounds but it is OH SO HARD!  I go to the grocery store and just when I think I'm in the clear they have the Easter candy display right next to the check-out...you know the one in Safeway?!  It is massive!!  How cute, the chocolate eggs and the Reese's bunnies, and yet I know I shouldn't.  Why does being bad have to taste SO good?!
And then there's that week, you know the one.  I start craving chocolate a few days before...it's like a sickness.

Magdalene, anytime you feel that urge to binge and purge, call your sponsor.  We are here for you.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Well, you get the gist.
~M
  

Turning off the Hamster Wheel

There is something very uplifting about reading other blogs.

I have this hamster wheel inside my head, constant spinning, never getting anywhere. Think. Think. Think. It is like in the Minority Report, a constant tape going in my head. Pause, rewind, replay. Think. Think. Think. Go back, this happened, go forward, that happened, pause, rewind, play. It is the same attention to detail and intense problem solving skills that make me good at my job. I love that I can put pieces together, details that seem irrelevant yet matter, and figure out what is going on. I hate that I cannot shut off my brain.

Jason says that the reason I can't sleep is because I can't stop thinking, he also says that it is the same reason when I wake up in the middle of the night I don't just roll over and fall back to sleep. Eyes open=brain on.

Reading other peoples' thoughts is like a mental vacation. I love it when I can witness other peoples' thought process. Learn from it. Improve. Feels better already. Blogs are unique in that way, unlike a book, it is a rant or rave or blurb about fill in the blank. From start to finish it is how the author thinks. That particular thought of the day, how they start it off, their formation of words, and how they bring it all together is a form of art.

I like the Blogs that are perspective the best. The ones that are written to just tell you what is on their mind and why. The artsy fartsy ones are great too, don't get me wrong; everything in life has a purpose. Without the recipe builders and the photo collagiers, and the crafty mccraftersons of the world there would be less to choose from, less pinterest, less good food, good photos, less good. But, for me, I love to read the people who just take over the page with their personality and witty Outlook on life. (I also love that my phone thinks their witty Outlook is a Microsoft program hence it auto corrected my capitalization....and so it shall stay that way)

Yes, I just wrote a blog about blogs. But I can't seem to fall asleep and since I was reading and felt happy, it made sense to put it on paper(?). So, put that in your pipe and smoke it. :)

How do you turn off your brain?
~M

P.S. Jason and I are going to do the Warrior Dash in April. It should be a blast. We are pretty excited about it, and most of all I will get to cross off one of the things on my list of things to do before I turn 35....although, come to think of it, my list is a little slim....I still need several things to add to it. I should add, adding more things to my list, to my list.

Once more into the gray.

Lately I've started to question my apparent need to cleanse my life of "people". It is weird, it is random, and it is starting to make me feel like I could have a problem.

Here's how it works. I comment, e-mail, or otherwise contact them and they ignore me. Several things could be happening. Either they are busy, they don't get the message right away, or they don't feel like responding....whichever the case may be, I get annoyed. I start feeling like why do I even bother keeping in contact with them? Clearly I am either a nuisance or I am just not that important to them; and so I delete them: from my phone, from social networking, and from my life. And then it happens: I feel bad. Obviously I want them in my life, or they would have never been there to begin with. But I am so deranged that if I'm not important enough to warrant a simple reply then piss on them. But I don't really feel that way. I want them there, I just want THEM to also want me there.
And then there is me: perfect in every way. I always respond to people, try to include them, make them feel like they are important in MY life.....or do I? Chances are I do the same exact thing for various reasons to the ones I love. Why is it that I cannot seem to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve? I am sad, because over the past year or so I have weeded out people. Sure, some of them were toxic and needed to go, but some of them were people I care about. I wish I weren't so black and white. Sometimes gray is good too.
Note to self: learn to have PATIENCE with people. Then one day when I need them to show me the same considerations, they will.
~M
P.S. all I can hear in my head right now is that song....goes something like: I want you to want me. I need you to need me. ....although not in that exact way.... LOL

I digress...

Do you ever wish you could screams at the top of your lungs for as long as you voice would allow you too? Not that you need to be heard, but more that you need a release. Of course punching someone in the nose would suffice, but that is beside the point.
I had one of THOSE days today. Not that anyone DID anything wrong, they just also didn't DO anything right either. It is the days like this when no amount of chocolate will help. These days are best spent alone. I was decidedly NOT alone today.
Jason says that only women complain about the stuff I was mulling over with him. He then mentions a scenario where he would come home and complain to me in a similar fashion. Really? What made him think that playing Devil's Advocate was a good idea tonight? I feel he could have just as easily told me to get over it. Not that my complaints were even directed towards him.
Yes, punching someone in the nose tonight would have definitely sufficed! LOL
I gotta get a hobby; something I can pour myself into for hours without having to think too hard.
~M
P.S. I want to go back to being a blonde. I keep saying in June, but maybe the sooner, the better. I could definitely use a change of pace.